What I have been through is nothing

I don't know what I will become in the future, because I lost my faith for future. The possible goodness of future.

I don't know what I will think when I look back to this period of my life, because overcoming this moment seems too faraway from me.

At this very moment, I feel like I am drowning in the ocean and you know what, I am not going to fight.

I simply want to let myself keep falling until I am completely dead, broke. I have no goal nor hope for the future. Future of happiness and brightness seems too far to grasp and past is too painful to look back.I just want to stay in my own small little brain, locking myself from all the negative feeling that can easily set me down, push me back, make me feel, terrible. Rotten, being forgotten, until no one in this world would think of me.

I have been thinking the meaning of "the unbearable lightness of being".

Apparently, lightness doesn't mean light; on the contrary, it implies heaviness. When I checked the implication of on the wikipedia. It says this quote means that we only have one life to live. One life, which means there will be no heaven nor after-life world. This is exactly what I think about life. So, I cannot give up. It's wrong. It violate the law of my philosophy, and I can't tolerate it because I am such a person deeply believe in my own doctrine. I will not accept these BS of giving up.

Realizing this... 

I don't want to give up because there are so many beautiful things worth seeing and experiencing. Even I cannot feel them right now, I can only tell myself there should be, there will be, there must be a bright future for me to live on. There must be something waiting for me. There must be something worth fighting.

If I failed, how can I tell the world what I believe. If I gave up, there is nothing left for me.

If I stopped fighting and my life is a movie, then it means THE END.

Now, I can only tell myself that all these things I am suffering are meant to make me become a stronger one, because I believe no one can imagine how terrible the situation is nor no one can completely understand it. I am not going to die in my cocoon. Here in the cocoon is dark, cold, lonely, and helpless. The only one can save myself from it is myself. I can only fight by myself, and fight for myself. No one will help me because it is my own battle. Face it. Overcome it. Live through it.

There will be a future. There will be ...

a heavenly future.

Be truth to your heart

I feel like i am getting stupid these years. In scientific term, my IQ is negatively correlated with my AGE.

Even in my 26th year of existence as a human being, I still not following the simplest rule of being, living, and believing. That is, be truth to your heart, be truth to what you like, to what moves you, to your passion, to what you love.

That is what I (We) care deep down in my heart, and the only way to true happiness.