藉口用成了習慣
當沒了藉口當盾牌
才發現盾牌後的自己已是面目全非
連我自己 都不知道這是誰 分不清自己在哪了
需要多久來沉澱呢? 一個月 一年 一生
忙碌的這麼久 還要再多久 再多久 才能轉向自以為要走的路
又或許 我從來沒沒變過 一直都在漂流 沉澱又只是另外一個漂流的藉口
跟著心嚮往的方向就能找到幸福嗎? 還是是另一段殘酷?
還是這一切又根本是個性使然 追根究柢其實早已經註定 早已經無可救藥
或許人生就只是漫無目標的盲從 從生命開始的那剎那就註定了無意義的墓誌銘
真空的靈魂 也許本來就不需要尋找東西去填滿 這顆心 也許就應該靜靜的走完剩下的路
蟲鳴鳥叫的奏鳴曲 花與蝴蝶的彩繪 也許根本也不需留心在意
不在意 就甭需擔心路旁的景色動人的傷心
反正路的盡頭 是連回憶也帶不走的事件視界
關於你的資訊 也許只殘留在旁人的樹突神經
幾個世代後 在腦脊髓液中掀不起絲毫漣漪
我是有病嗎? 為什麼不快樂?
過於在意些甚麼了或許
就算斷了一切 就會切斷了讓心不快樂的原因嗎?
在怎樣的環境 有怎樣的環境 才能容下這一顆脆弱的心
一顆早已厭倦面對殘酷的心
如果生命可以重新來過 我可以留著我這次的筆記嗎? 我知道別人的心得可能不適合我
我會好好用功 就像以前一樣 乖乖的 靜靜的 坐在圖書館裡
就像好幾年前的仲夏 聽著蟬叫伴著汗水的日子
就想好像從來不曾長大
嘿! 夢醒了
日子還是得過
The Legend of Zelda
This game has really special meaning to me.
Not only because it is one of the greatest franchise of all video games, but the memory I treasure and share with my sister. When I was in elementary school, we used to spend our summer playing one of the Zelda game, the link to the past. I played the game, and she's beside me reading the walkthrough for me. It's also the only time we can peacefully get along with each other.
It's funny that I hate my sister so much when I was a little boy. She always insult me with the cruel word I could not bear. Every time, everyday, I have to call my mother who was working during the day to tell on m y sister. After I moved to Taipei for university, our relationship started to change. I think it is the separation that cause us to change. We started care about each other, very much. If there's a meter for relationship, at the left is the hatred, and right is the love, and neutral being at the middle with value of 0, then I think the number is the same but simply we put a "-" in our relationship, from negative to positive. The separation made us realize we are the members of a family and we care each other. We have to take care each other.
This year, is the harshest time for my family. All the members in the family suffered a lot. Dear sister, I thank you for being with mom and taking care of the birdies while I am abroad. I know pressure and burden are huge. I believe we will overcome the challenge and hardship. The sky will one day be clear blue. I will be your Link, and we will, both protect our home, our family.
Not only because it is one of the greatest franchise of all video games, but the memory I treasure and share with my sister. When I was in elementary school, we used to spend our summer playing one of the Zelda game, the link to the past. I played the game, and she's beside me reading the walkthrough for me. It's also the only time we can peacefully get along with each other.
It's funny that I hate my sister so much when I was a little boy. She always insult me with the cruel word I could not bear. Every time, everyday, I have to call my mother who was working during the day to tell on m y sister. After I moved to Taipei for university, our relationship started to change. I think it is the separation that cause us to change. We started care about each other, very much. If there's a meter for relationship, at the left is the hatred, and right is the love, and neutral being at the middle with value of 0, then I think the number is the same but simply we put a "-" in our relationship, from negative to positive. The separation made us realize we are the members of a family and we care each other. We have to take care each other.
This year, is the harshest time for my family. All the members in the family suffered a lot. Dear sister, I thank you for being with mom and taking care of the birdies while I am abroad. I know pressure and burden are huge. I believe we will overcome the challenge and hardship. The sky will one day be clear blue. I will be your Link, and we will, both protect our home, our family.
Who am I
Relationship:
A son
A brother
A lover
A boyfriend
A grandson
A friend
Interest:
A photographer
A bird (parrot) lover
A gamer
A geek
A music lover
A basketball player
A runner
A wanderer
Work:
An advisee
A research assistant
A student
A teaching assistant
Maybe I can be everything I want.
A son
A brother
A lover
A boyfriend
A grandson
A friend
Interest:
A photographer
A bird (parrot) lover
A gamer
A geek
A music lover
A basketball player
A runner
A wanderer
Work:
An advisee
A research assistant
A student
A teaching assistant
Maybe I can be everything I want.
What I have been through is nothing
Posted in
Hell
I don't know what I will become in the future, because I lost my faith for future. The possible goodness of future.
I don't know what I will think when I look back to this period of my life, because overcoming this moment seems too faraway from me.
At this very moment, I feel like I am drowning in the ocean and you know what, I am not going to fight.
I simply want to let myself keep falling until I am completely dead, broke. I have no goal nor hope for the future. Future of happiness and brightness seems too far to grasp and past is too painful to look back.I just want to stay in my own small little brain, locking myself from all the negative feeling that can easily set me down, push me back, make me feel, terrible. Rotten, being forgotten, until no one in this world would think of me.
I have been thinking the meaning of "the unbearable lightness of being".
Apparently, lightness doesn't mean light; on the contrary, it implies heaviness. When I checked the implication of on the wikipedia. It says this quote means that we only have one life to live. One life, which means there will be no heaven nor after-life world. This is exactly what I think about life. So, I cannot give up. It's wrong. It violate the law of my philosophy, and I can't tolerate it because I am such a person deeply believe in my own doctrine. I will not accept these BS of giving up.
Realizing this...
I don't want to give up because there are so many beautiful things worth seeing and experiencing. Even I cannot feel them right now, I can only tell myself there should be, there will be, there must be a bright future for me to live on. There must be something waiting for me. There must be something worth fighting.
If I failed, how can I tell the world what I believe. If I gave up, there is nothing left for me.
If I stopped fighting and my life is a movie, then it means THE END.
Now, I can only tell myself that all these things I am suffering are meant to make me become a stronger one, because I believe no one can imagine how terrible the situation is nor no one can completely understand it. I am not going to die in my cocoon. Here in the cocoon is dark, cold, lonely, and helpless. The only one can save myself from it is myself. I can only fight by myself, and fight for myself. No one will help me because it is my own battle. Face it. Overcome it. Live through it.
There will be a future. There will be ...
a heavenly future.
Be truth to your heart
I feel like i am getting stupid these years. In scientific term, my IQ is negatively correlated with my AGE.
Even in my 26th year of existence as a human being, I still not following the simplest rule of being, living, and believing. That is, be truth to your heart, be truth to what you like, to what moves you, to your passion, to what you love.
That is what I (We) care deep down in my heart, and the only way to true happiness.
Even in my 26th year of existence as a human being, I still not following the simplest rule of being, living, and believing. That is, be truth to your heart, be truth to what you like, to what moves you, to your passion, to what you love.
That is what I (We) care deep down in my heart, and the only way to true happiness.
emotion - notes
very unstable emotion
sometimes i feel extremely happy and optimistic, but it could easily be distressed and discouraged by small things, like pressure, or some small things that don't go as the way I thought.
When I wake up everyday in the morning, it is like gambling. Gambling with my emotion. And as you know, you lose for most of the time.
asylum here i come. what's wrong with me.
Dream
Dream seems to be a reflection of what we think and care in every day life.
It was a party in a land full of candy houses with mostly high school classmates.
Weird.
Stalled life
Posted in
epic fail
I don't know what I want, don't know what to do. Like a boat, I drift in the ocean, don't know, don't want to move forward, anymore. I am tired I think.
How can I fail so much in my life? How could this even get started?
Aimless, wandering in this city I called home. I feel like I don't belong to this place, nor any other place in the world. Everything seems so unfamiliar.
That's right. I got caught in between. This might be the best answer for now. This feeling sucks and certainly got no ready cure. I got caught in the middle of two cultures, two lives, two MEs, and I hate them, all of them.
Nothing in life cheers me up. Home is not a home anymore, though it hasn't been home for a long time. Now its even more functionally impaired, and structurally ready-to-fall-apart. My home is my cage, my agony, my jail.
I must be sick. Either physically or mentally, or both.
What should I do? Where should I go?
A pour into my mouth as a hope for waking me up from this nightmare. Yet I realized it is not a dream. It's life. It's true. It's so real. And I got caught in this worst-case-scenario.
Wake me up, or, or, or ...
don't wake me up.
Sustainability
Posted in
Notes
Everything we see today is from something with sustainable features, because only things that is sustainable, can make it to the future and we people can see, enjoy, appraise today.
Life on earth itself is a result of sustainability.
What have we done to this earth. The only ship we know can carry us to the future.
The field trip to Kingston, TN
It was a two-day field trip with 70% of time on traveling. We spent at least 16 hours on the car within two days, which really made me feel speechless. Even my brain was still sleeping while we were visiting the power plant. It's a trip with litte informative materials I have to admit. However, its a great opportunity to chat with people, in English, to know more about the people I usually don't have the chance to know, to practice my speaking, to spend time to think about my life, to let my thought be deposited. How hard I have tried to fight with myself to stay away from my confort zone. How little I have achieved to live like an American. What's wrong with me? What's wrong with my education? What's wrong with my life?
Desperately, I search for the oasis in the deserted desert. Unfortunately, I am doomed to be mummified without the any mercy of the droplet of dawn.
Things have changed rapidly in the last couple weeks, in NI, at school, home. The desperation for contact is often being suppressed by my laziness and the lack of motivation. Many times I have tried, to live more actively for myself, to forget what you have lost, and to pursue the things that enlighten me in the labyrinth. Nevertheless, as everyone can expect, I failed it again and again, and again. The failure and the frustration kept me from leaving my room, also kept me from the sunshine which I need to generate Vit D to alleviate my melancholia. Like a vampire, my room became my coffin where I, alone, shall rest in peace. Though, there is an appreciation for the opportunity to secure a job here, and work with the people who really taking care of me, still, the solitary shadow under the moon light has gave up to make any extra effort to breathe the cool air in Durham.
Silence took over the car. I put on my earphone trying to quarantine myself, so I can unveil the wound and reach the deepest part of my suppurated heart. "How have you been? Sorry I was too busy to talk with you." A familiar laughter, a shadow, a illusion I saw, yet I fully realized that it is just its fantasy, the throes of dying of my poor soul. However I was satisfied, because I can still dream of it. It's a revelation of salvation, no matter how unrealistic it is.
"Will I see you again?"
Life Recently
Recently, my life and schedule are stuffed with works, assignments and meetings. Thanks to Jen, I joined the BCI (BigCatInitiative) group, finally I have the chance to work with people that care about wildlife. It's an honor and pleasure to work with these people. They inspired me with their knowledge and passion. I feel there is so much I need to learn in conservation science, and these guys are serious. After all, you need to be serious because the population of wildlife won't stop dwindling. Even you have problems in your life, you cannot stop conserving!
I also appreciate the opportunity to work with Darma. He's such a smart workaholic, from 3am to 5pm every single day. For me, he's an perfect example of how aliens should work on this land to fulfill their american dream. He did it, and he has even bigger one await. I am thankful for his concern, making me feel like he's my elder brother that really taking care of me. I really appreciate it.
The progress in master project is limited. However, I will have regular meeting with my advisor so that she can keep track on it. This is also the way to force myself being lazy, staying away from the confort zone.
As a result, the time I have spent at home is poorly little. I think I can just rent a bed instead of the whole room.
I tried hard to fill out every single block on my google calendar, so that I can stop thinking about the being alone. Even being alone, I let the music distract myself from connecting the tranquility with loneliness. Still, I would inevitably feel the huge wave of solitude overwhelming me when I walk alone in the campus, when I drive alone during the night, when I shower and try to sing to myself. Every night and day.
By the way, coffee works.
1.18.2011
Posted in
日記
"感覺快樂就忙東忙西
感覺累了就放空自己"
今天是非常非常充實的一天
自從3AM 起床後
不是沉浸在學習的喜悅 就是拓展閱讀的樂趣
Sustainable Resource Economy 的老師很棒
熱忱, 幽默, 啟發性, 有趣的教學方式
如果所謂的"老師"都有這樣的特質 那我真的會很喜歡念書 (才怪)
以後有教學的機會 Martin S. 真的像是典範了
本篇目的是為本日充實 快樂 正向的日子記下一筆
7PM 回到家 等著我的是我的房間 棉被 床 與 電腦
很習慣了 這樣的日子
趕課行徑間 努力讓自己跟自己說話
努力跟音樂對話 試著將情感投注在不必溝通的事情上
帶上耳機 以為耳根子不安寧 就不是孤寂 就是陪伴
Hormone, it's time to blame on you.
You made so called human complete by inducing sexual dimorphism.
However, you also made people agony by making them feel lonely and solitary.
I mean it when I say it.
Sometimes I really wish I could to get rid of this "blessed hormone" inside my vein, so that I can be more concentrated, and don't have to wasting my time on it, because it is simply just too happy of being with yourself.
Let's become "purely intellectual", like Sheldon.
然後就會不覺得自己缺少甚麼了(?)
感覺累了就放空自己"
今天是非常非常充實的一天
自從3AM 起床後
不是沉浸在學習的喜悅 就是拓展閱讀的樂趣
Sustainable Resource Economy 的老師很棒
熱忱, 幽默, 啟發性, 有趣的教學方式
如果所謂的"老師"都有這樣的特質 那我真的會很喜歡念書 (才怪)
以後有教學的機會 Martin S. 真的像是典範了
本篇目的是為本日充實 快樂 正向的日子記下一筆
7PM 回到家 等著我的是我的房間 棉被 床 與 電腦
很習慣了 這樣的日子
趕課行徑間 努力讓自己跟自己說話
努力跟音樂對話 試著將情感投注在不必溝通的事情上
帶上耳機 以為耳根子不安寧 就不是孤寂 就是陪伴
Hormone, it's time to blame on you.
You made so called human complete by inducing sexual dimorphism.
However, you also made people agony by making them feel lonely and solitary.
I mean it when I say it.
Sometimes I really wish I could to get rid of this "blessed hormone" inside my vein, so that I can be more concentrated, and don't have to wasting my time on it, because it is simply just too happy of being with yourself.
Let's become "purely intellectual", like Sheldon.
然後就會不覺得自己缺少甚麼了(?)
Short notes: What does parrots mean in my life?
What does parrots (or in general term, birds) represent in my life?
Family:1. Link and conversation between sister, mother and me.
2. A parrot doll from grandfather.
Career:
1. Link to biological background of myself.
2. The reason why I am here at Duke.
Parrot itself:
1. Cute, extremely.
2. Make me think of that how human should treat this world and magnificent lives, biodiversity.
最近的廢話很多
事情在改變, 正在
兩年轉瞬眼間會過去
運球轉身切入的剎那並不是永恆
伴著喘氣的笑靨終將成為回憶, 任它去封存, 去陳香
數十年後夜深人靜時拾起品嚐這段共同記憶
因為不捨, 才會想把握好每一個相處的時刻
我想
我會很懷念這段在杜客的日子
雖然對於自己不夠盡力感到慚愧
但是遇見了許多朋友 值得珍惜的朋友 應該感到欣慰
25歲的自己還有許多需要成長進步的空間
發現原來成熟永遠都存在於未來
暗自嘲笑那些用鄙視眼光嘲笑的人們
你也一樣幼稚
何不跟著感覺走就對了
找到屬於自己的方向 用自己的道理走自己的道路
心情對了就停下腳步 看看四周 看看自己踏過的足跡
你會發現 未來終究會是燦爛
是你自己的人生
Unlimited Self
Posted in
有所思
If you think, this is what I can do right now,
well, then you are setting a invisible limit to yourself, and you will always be limited by your own imagined limit.
Positive, active thinking is the only way.
Not to think of what I can't do, but to explore what I can do.
Never, ever give up.
Between Bostock and Perkins
Great soothing music
Great inspiring light and sunshine
Great cozy temperature and atmosphere
And the remaining vague smile and smell in the air
At this very moment,
" I could be bounded in a nutshell, and count myself a king of infinite space, were it not that I have bad dreams" - Hamlet
近況
似乎才剛開始了在Nicholas School的第三個學期
轉眼間學期也又過了一半 準備進入Fall Break
認識了很多新的朋友Andy, Yi, Meng
接受了許多挑戰 應付課業作業 銜接NI的工作 被Advisor追殺的MasterProject
慢慢適應了 習慣了 漸漸喜歡上了這邊 校園生活
慢慢建立起了自信心
慢慢有了歸屬感 有了待下來努力的理由
一年前的我也猜不到現在的自己會變成怎樣 似乎總是隨波逐流缺少屬於自己的想法
但在這邊的環境 真的讓我認識到很多值得學習傚法的人
見賢思齊 真的有這種讓人打從心裡佩服的人
受到的激勵與鼓勵 好想變得更好 更積極 更成功
我感覺到自己的成長
在各方面
我很感激
還要再努力
轉眼間學期也又過了一半 準備進入Fall Break
認識了很多新的朋友Andy, Yi, Meng
接受了許多挑戰 應付課業作業 銜接NI的工作 被Advisor追殺的MasterProject
慢慢適應了 習慣了 漸漸喜歡上了這邊 校園生活
慢慢建立起了自信心
慢慢有了歸屬感 有了待下來努力的理由
一年前的我也猜不到現在的自己會變成怎樣 似乎總是隨波逐流缺少屬於自己的想法
但在這邊的環境 真的讓我認識到很多值得學習傚法的人
見賢思齊 真的有這種讓人打從心裡佩服的人
受到的激勵與鼓勵 好想變得更好 更積極 更成功
我感覺到自己的成長
在各方面
我很感激
還要再努力
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