What I have been through is nothing

I don't know what I will become in the future, because I lost my faith for future. The possible goodness of future.

I don't know what I will think when I look back to this period of my life, because overcoming this moment seems too faraway from me.

At this very moment, I feel like I am drowning in the ocean and you know what, I am not going to fight.

I simply want to let myself keep falling until I am completely dead, broke. I have no goal nor hope for the future. Future of happiness and brightness seems too far to grasp and past is too painful to look back.I just want to stay in my own small little brain, locking myself from all the negative feeling that can easily set me down, push me back, make me feel, terrible. Rotten, being forgotten, until no one in this world would think of me.

I have been thinking the meaning of "the unbearable lightness of being".

Apparently, lightness doesn't mean light; on the contrary, it implies heaviness. When I checked the implication of on the wikipedia. It says this quote means that we only have one life to live. One life, which means there will be no heaven nor after-life world. This is exactly what I think about life. So, I cannot give up. It's wrong. It violate the law of my philosophy, and I can't tolerate it because I am such a person deeply believe in my own doctrine. I will not accept these BS of giving up.

Realizing this... 

I don't want to give up because there are so many beautiful things worth seeing and experiencing. Even I cannot feel them right now, I can only tell myself there should be, there will be, there must be a bright future for me to live on. There must be something waiting for me. There must be something worth fighting.

If I failed, how can I tell the world what I believe. If I gave up, there is nothing left for me.

If I stopped fighting and my life is a movie, then it means THE END.

Now, I can only tell myself that all these things I am suffering are meant to make me become a stronger one, because I believe no one can imagine how terrible the situation is nor no one can completely understand it. I am not going to die in my cocoon. Here in the cocoon is dark, cold, lonely, and helpless. The only one can save myself from it is myself. I can only fight by myself, and fight for myself. No one will help me because it is my own battle. Face it. Overcome it. Live through it.

There will be a future. There will be ...

a heavenly future.

Be truth to your heart

I feel like i am getting stupid these years. In scientific term, my IQ is negatively correlated with my AGE.

Even in my 26th year of existence as a human being, I still not following the simplest rule of being, living, and believing. That is, be truth to your heart, be truth to what you like, to what moves you, to your passion, to what you love.

That is what I (We) care deep down in my heart, and the only way to true happiness.

emotion - notes

very unstable emotion

sometimes i feel extremely happy and optimistic, but it could easily be distressed and discouraged by small things, like pressure, or some small things that don't go as the way I thought.

When I wake up everyday in the morning, it is like gambling. Gambling with my emotion. And as you know, you lose for most of the time.

asylum here i come. what's wrong with me.

Dream

Dream seems to be a reflection of what we think and care in every day life.

It was a party in a land full of candy houses with mostly high school classmates.

Weird.

生活

思念像氧氣存在著，試著不去想念，但又無法停止呼吸

地球是圓的，沒有盡頭亦無起點，人生又為何需要方向

地底藏著的怪物畏懼人群，一接觸、碰到就要螫疼似的

Stalled life

I don't know what I want, don't know what to do. Like a boat, I drift in the ocean, don't know, don't want to move forward, anymore. I am tired I think.

How can I fail so much in my life? How could this even get started?

Aimless, wandering in this city I called home. I feel like I don't belong to this place, nor any other place in the world. Everything seems so unfamiliar.

That's right. I got caught in between. This might be the best answer for now. This feeling sucks and certainly got no ready cure. I got caught in the middle of two cultures, two lives, two MEs, and I hate them, all of them.

Nothing in life cheers me up. Home is not a home anymore, though it hasn't been home for a long time. Now its even more functionally impaired, and structurally ready-to-fall-apart. My home is my cage, my agony, my jail.

I must be sick. Either physically or mentally, or both.

What should I do? Where should I go?

A pour into my mouth as a hope for waking me up from this nightmare. Yet I realized it is not a dream. It's life. It's true. It's so real. And I got caught in this worst-case-scenario.

Wake me up, or, or, or ...

don't wake me up.

Sustainability

Everything we see today is from something with sustainable features, because only things that is sustainable, can make it to the future and we people can see, enjoy, appraise today.

Life on earth itself is a result of sustainability.

What have we done to this earth. The only ship we know can carry us to the future.