Stalled life

I don't know what I want, don't know what to do. Like a boat, I drift in the ocean, don't know, don't want to move forward, anymore. I am tired I think.

How can I fail so much in my life? How could this even get started?

Aimless, wandering in this city I called home. I feel like I don't belong to this place, nor any other place in the world. Everything seems so unfamiliar.

That's right. I got caught in between. This might be the best answer for now. This feeling sucks and certainly got no ready cure. I got caught in the middle of two cultures, two lives, two MEs, and I hate them, all of them.

Nothing in life cheers me up. Home is not a home anymore, though it hasn't been home for a long time. Now its even more functionally impaired, and structurally ready-to-fall-apart. My home is my cage, my agony, my jail.

I must be sick. Either physically or mentally, or both.

What should I do? Where should I go?

A pour into my mouth as a hope for waking me up from this nightmare. Yet I realized it is not a dream. It's life. It's true. It's so real. And I got caught in this worst-case-scenario.

Wake me up, or, or, or ...

don't wake me up.

Sustainability

Everything we see today is from something with sustainable features, because only things that is sustainable, can make it to the future and we people can see, enjoy, appraise today.

Life on earth itself is a result of sustainability.

What have we done to this earth. The only ship we know can carry us to the future.

The field trip to Kingston, TN

It was a two-day field trip with 70% of time on traveling. We spent at least 16 hours on the car within two days, which really made me feel speechless. Even my brain was still sleeping while we were visiting the power plant. It's a trip with litte informative materials I have to admit. However, its a great opportunity to chat with people, in English, to know more about the people I usually don't have the chance to know, to practice my speaking, to spend time to think about my life, to let my thought be deposited. How hard I have tried to fight with myself to stay away from my confort zone. How little I have achieved to live like an American. What's wrong with me? What's wrong with my education? What's wrong with my life?

Desperately, I search for the oasis in the deserted desert. Unfortunately, I am doomed to be mummified without the any mercy of the droplet of dawn.

Things have changed rapidly in the last couple weeks, in NI, at school, home. The desperation for contact is often being suppressed by my laziness and the lack of motivation. Many times I have tried, to live more actively for myself, to forget what you have lost, and to pursue the things that enlighten me in the labyrinth. Nevertheless, as everyone can expect, I failed it again and again, and again. The failure and the frustration kept me from leaving my room, also kept me from the sunshine which I need to generate Vit D to alleviate my melancholia. Like a vampire, my room became my coffin where I, alone, shall rest in peace. Though, there is an appreciation for the opportunity to secure a job here, and work with the people who really taking care of me, still, the solitary shadow under the moon light has gave up to make any extra effort to breathe the cool air in Durham.

Silence took over the car. I put on my earphone trying to quarantine myself, so I can unveil the wound and reach the deepest part of my suppurated heart. "How have you been? Sorry I was too busy to talk with you." A familiar laughter, a shadow, a illusion I saw, yet I fully realized that it is just its fantasy, the throes of dying of my poor soul. However I was satisfied, because I can still dream of it. It's a revelation of salvation, no matter how unrealistic it is.

"Will I see you again?"

Life Recently

Recently, my life and schedule are stuffed with works, assignments and meetings. Thanks to Jen, I joined the BCI (BigCatInitiative) group, finally I have the chance to work with people that care about wildlife. It's an honor and pleasure to work with these people. They inspired me with their knowledge and passion. I feel there is so much I need to learn in conservation science, and these guys are serious. After all, you need to be serious because the population of wildlife won't stop dwindling. Even you have problems in your life, you cannot stop conserving!

I also appreciate the opportunity to work with Darma. He's such a smart workaholic, from 3am to 5pm every single day. For me, he's an perfect example of how aliens should work on this land to fulfill their american dream. He did it, and he has even bigger one await. I am thankful for his concern, making me feel like he's my elder brother that really taking care of me. I really appreciate it.

The progress in master project is limited. However, I will have regular meeting with my advisor so that she can keep track on it. This is also the way to force myself being lazy, staying away from the confort zone.

As a result, the time I have spent at home is poorly little. I think I can just rent a bed instead of the whole room.

I tried hard to fill out every single block on my google calendar, so that I can stop thinking about the being alone. Even being alone, I let the music distract myself from connecting the tranquility with loneliness. Still, I would inevitably feel the huge wave of solitude overwhelming me when I walk alone in the campus, when I drive alone during the night, when I shower and try to sing to myself. Every night and day.

By the way, coffee works.

1.18.2011

"感覺快樂就忙東忙西

感覺累了就放空自己"

今天是非常非常充實的一天

自從3AM 起床後

不是沉浸在學習的喜悅 就是拓展閱讀的樂趣

Sustainable Resource Economy 的老師很棒

熱忱, 幽默, 啟發性, 有趣的教學方式

如果所謂的"老師"都有這樣的特質 那我真的會很喜歡念書 (才怪)

以後有教學的機會 Martin S. 真的像是典範了

本篇目的是為本日充實 快樂 正向的日子記下一筆


7PM 回到家 等著我的是我的房間 棉被 床 與 電腦

很習慣了 這樣的日子

趕課行徑間 努力讓自己跟自己說話

努力跟音樂對話 試著將情感投注在不必溝通的事情上

帶上耳機 以為耳根子不安寧 就不是孤寂 就是陪伴


Hormone, it's time to blame on you.

You made so called human complete by inducing sexual dimorphism.

However, you also made people agony by making them feel lonely and solitary.

I mean it when I say it.

Sometimes I really wish I could to get rid of this "blessed hormone" inside my vein, so that I can be more concentrated, and don't have to wasting my time on it, because it is simply just too happy of being with yourself.

Let's become "purely intellectual", like Sheldon.

然後就會不覺得自己缺少甚麼了(?)

Short notes: What does parrots mean in my life?

What does parrots (or in general term, birds) represent in my life?

Family:

1. Link and conversation between sister, mother and me.

2. A parrot doll from grandfather.

Career:

1. Link to biological background of myself.

2. The reason why I am here at Duke.

Parrot itself:

1. Cute, extremely.

2. Make me think of that how human should treat this world and magnificent lives, biodiversity.

最近的廢話很多

事情在改變, 正在

兩年轉瞬眼間會過去

運球轉身切入的剎那並不是永恆

伴著喘氣的笑靨終將成為回憶, 任它去封存, 去陳香

數十年後夜深人靜時拾起品嚐這段共同記憶

因為不捨, 才會想把握好每一個相處的時刻

我想

我會很懷念這段在杜客的日子

雖然對於自己不夠盡力感到慚愧

但是遇見了許多朋友 值得珍惜的朋友 應該感到欣慰

25歲的自己還有許多需要成長進步的空間

發現原來成熟永遠都存在於未來

暗自嘲笑那些用鄙視眼光嘲笑的人們

你也一樣幼稚

何不跟著感覺走就對了

找到屬於自己的方向 用自己的道理走自己的道路

心情對了就停下腳步 看看四周 看看自己踏過的足跡

你會發現 未來終究會是燦爛

是你自己的人生